An asshole at times

You are a total selfish asshole right now. You have been drunk 6 of the last 8 nights and will be drunk the next three, guaranteed. You are completely self centered and could care less that your wife can't sleep while you stay up watching rock documentaries and yet get annoyed when she goes bananas from lack of sleep. Remember how pre baby the entire length of your relationship you used to go to bed together? Wtf is your problem? 

Last week

It's my last week as full time mom to Junebug brown. It has been a privilege and a delight and a challenge and a joy and a stress to be here with my bug and husband. I love this kid beyond words. She has made my heart burst and fill with love and happiness in ways I could never have imagined. 

Here she sits as I write, tugging on her ear, tapping me with her toes, and possibly working on a poo! can't imagine how I'm going to make it through my days without staring and cuddling and loving on her all day when I go back to work. 

Mommy meet up day

Breastfeeding back to work class 

Birth center class cookie swap

Helping other mothers and learning from them

Junebug is actually a pretty darn good baby 

2 hours of sleep

A long Epsom salt bath

A big smile from my baby

Not having to cook dinner

Although they were plentiful today, I am thankful for Junebug tears for they represent her life and aliveness. 

I am thankful for my house which brings us comfort and safety from the world. 

And this time at home with my husband and my baby as we make ourselves into a family. It is a true privilege. 

Oh boy

Thanksgiving oh boy 

Family up and downs

Junebug love all consuming but man she sure can take it out of you with her happy then sad screaming ups and downs of baby life

Really thankful for our family and friends this year who have helped us through this blurry beautiful time

Little baby hands and hand movements 

My baby girl totally recognizing me beyond a food source. 

My heart bursting with love for this creature of the Universe.

Yesterday and today

Goooood days! Sleep. Baby June slept 4 hrs Friday night and two stretches of four hours last night! I feel human again. 

Visit from suz and kids and Scott and delicious ribs and slaw! Champagne with my husband at 3 pm and my baby being beautiful and sweet and loving and smiley! 

Impromptu fun with Debby and Paul and kids. First margarita post baby and restaurant outing with baby June sleeping through it, john and Cori getting a house in our hood! It's only 1:43 but good day! Let's hope it keeps up. Oh and cookies for breakfast :) 

November 8 2014

Magical day with June- so good today 

Fun with friends at home 

 First buzz since getting pregnant 

I love my daughter more than I ever knew possible 

When she cries I need to hold her, not always to comfort her, to comfort me as well

Halllerfuckinween

Mushrooms after rain

Bonding time with baby June her mom and dad

Handing out candy fun

Three good things

Breastfeeding has come pretty naturally to my babe

I have three beautiful months to be with my baby and husband 

I have good family and friend support 

Past week or so

Brought a new life into the world and our hearts

Discovered how great my mother is

Thankful that my mom and husband get along famously

Healthy adorable baby growing bigger everyday

Despite the unforeseen path of the birth of my first born ending in csection, I am finding some peace in the reality of what happened. It was not a failure on my part. 

I am healing well and have loving friends and family to reach out to for help when needed. 

I am going to miss having my mom around. 

A new time

Taking this one home today

Feeling very loved and supported

Full of excitement (and anxious thoughts) about the future. 

Today I'm grateful

Eggplant parmigiana lunch with john and marc (and pignoli cookies) 

Peace of mind- this baby is coming one way or another

YouTube- acupressure points for inducing labor and a husband who has good massage hands

3 days past 40 weeks

I am loved and supported 

I am lucky to have this time off

I love going for walks 

Warm up contractions, aka Braxton Hicks

One week due and I have a heavy heart. Not because of baby, baby is the thrill and joy of my life. 

He is incapable of not getting sloppy drunk. Promises broken. Why do I believe him again and again. He wants and loves this unborn baby but his behavior the last two weeks has been spotty, dare i say bipolar? One level to the next, even threatening divorce while jn a fight, granted he was, of course, drunk. But not even an apology for that or for his behavior. I offered apologies and he just sat there and took them like he was served his justice. And I sit here quietly crying in bed, one week due, his cousin sleeping in the guest/baby room (surprise! He's spending the night he tells you as he steers your drunk husband into the house because he's too drunk to walk by himself) whom I have to take to the airport tomorrow morning (surprise! His flight leaves at 9 am, hope that's ok) oh but only after you take him to your inlaws first to get his luggage (surprise! You need to set your alarm and wake everyone up cause they're drunk and don't worry about sleeping jn or enjoying your Sunday morning!) Better get some rest! 

Friday myday

House to myself. Husband away. 3 weeks to go until first little joy comes potentially rushing into our lives. Remembering who I am. Retreating to self so I can be myself. Content knowing I have people to surround myself when needed. Beauty in life. 

1. Lunch with Ryan gamble 

2. Baby belly check up was good

3. I have a supportive husband 

I haven't posted in some time for no particular reason. I am in particular having a great summer, one of the best in a few years. Low-key job pressure and hardly any travel (thanks to pregnancy) for work. Time to relax with Marc during the week and see friends. Got to visit with Krause klan in Arizona. Baby seems to be in good health and I feel great, even though I'm pregnant. 

Late at night and early in the morning my thoughts are turning towards anxieties but none so much so that I can't sleep or move myself to get out of bed. 

Marc and I love each other romantically and supportively. We still feel intimacy but sex is less of a priority (although I think we both miss it an wouldn't mind an increase. I think we just aren't sure how to accomplish that right now with baby physically in between us). 

The future is exciting, promising, and scary. It feels more unknown than known than ever before. Challenging as that can be for my planner personality it is also motivating and inspiring. 

Overall I feel confident and capable in my life. 

Midday thanks

I smelled a lotus flower for the first time. It smelled clean and distinct and pleasant. 

I have accomplished a few things on my checklist for the day 

Practiced birth breathing already. 

Last summer of fun

Friday 

Fourth of July Friday chess extravaganza 

Backyard fireworks

Saturday 

Fantastic stretching and "clean living" feeling 

Late night friends enjoying friends

Sunday 

Making progress 

Morning walk meeting neighbors 

Poolside relaxing at hotel Bonnie 

Pizza summer moment 

The irony of it all is that I still feel as if I'm not working hard enough. I make efforts not to be like him, not to work my life away, to participate in my relationship with my husband, with my family, and in the end I go to bed knowing I haven't accomplished anything. It's happiness with a contingency. 

1. I have learned a great deal about the world from my job

2. We filmed Emily's grandma, Margaret. I loved it. 

3. Marc is making progress on the Mosie. 

4. I love my husband, my family, and my baby. 

5. Fantastic time hanging out with family in Az last week. 

I love to feel emotion. It energizes me. My job makes me feel void, about 60% of the time.  

Watched vanilla sky - love it, top ten for me, always makes me feel

Realized I am still attractive - tommy and Angie 

I am full of love for my baby. 

I am exactly the same person I've always been. 

I am thankful for my family and have gratitude for my life situation. It doesn't stop me from having ambition. My inability to act on that ambition keeps me up at night. 

Three good things from Father's Day 2014:

Relaxing by the pool with loved ones and Ross

Making progress on baby's room 

Went for a walk with husband, made a great smoothie afterwards. 

Talking to my dad on Father's Day 

Great things from Saturday June 14: 

Playing solitaire chess with Marc, Bonnie, and ric

Working on June's room. 

Watching world cup game with friends at nomad

Family

The future

My baby kicking 

I have a lucky life 

Snow monkeys on nature

Helping solve a problem at work

Belly too big for my clothes - wore Helen Browns pants to work, so comfortable! 

I am loved

I am so lucky. Even in times of great fear and doubt I know that I am so loved and taken care of. It is such a strange, complex emotion that I am overwhelmed in both sadness and love. I fear for my job and the sinking feeling that I am failing. Failure is not a trait that I rejoice in. And yet I can't bring myself to make it work, or to even figure out how to make it work. Everything just slips through my fingers and crashes to the floor. I want nothing more than to be successful, yet this job drains the spirit in my which I use to drive my success. It makes me numb and lazy. I miss feeling alive and inspired. I have to stay put, I cannot leave it or find a new one, I must keep it for the baby. At least seven more months, somehow I must not get fired. Lord, if you may, grant me the strength to stay afloat. Amen. 

Thursday blursday

I love my house, it brings me peace and joy after a crazy day

I heard baby Zeanbean heartbeat today and baby moved closer to the audio device, which made the lady say, "oh you've got a social baby!"

Good conversation with George, some hope for the future. 

Saturday

Discovering Sabu restaurant 

Impromptu date with husband 

Beautiful walk, work in yard a little 

There's a baby growing in my belly 

I have a healthy baby growing inside me

It's a beautiful day

I have a great family

I'm pregnant, for the first real time

I have an amazing beautiful husband

I have a job that pays well and helps me get a great understanding of the world

I am finally taking a screenwriting class- hurrah! 

Ready to run screaming down the hall and out the door and never come back

I am a good coworker 

I meet interesting people at my job

I've gotten to learn about the real world and all sorts of industries

I have gotten to travel to Seattle, Portland, San Francisco