2016 comments

Marc

Biggest political upset in my life. 

My son was born. One of the most gracious, meaningful things that happened to me. He screams a little bit, but that's about it. 

A lot of loss, a lot of talent. The world turned upside down in 

2016. But Junebug brown, she just continued to glow like a little firefly. 

Mo

Frank was officially a part of the family. 

We had a tough time with our business manufacturer- total bullshit. 

June went into the hospital- when I was about due to pop out frank, that sucked. 

It was a really, really hard year all around, work, life, body, babies, illnesses, money, just about everything. But Mosie got people pregnant, and that was cool. 

I am glad it's over. Looking forward to a new start, philosophically speaking. Love my babies and my husband. 

Poor people want their kids to be entertainers, athletes, pop stars. Rich people want their kids to be well-educated. 

Christmas 2016 edition 

Marc's good things

-radio flying Junebug

-flip flopping Frankie boy

-Sexy time mozeen 

-bean dip champagne Westworld sugar cookie perfection 

MO's good things

-bean dip champagne Westworld sugar cookie perfection 

-75 degrees family walk, Junebug on the tricycle

-just a very relaxing day with my family that makes me know I am with the best and right people. 

Family Day

-making frank laugh

-June picking her nose in half priced books and talking incessantly

-Marc falling for my joke that Lisa lampenilli was in the next episode of Westworld

Weekend highlights- Friday night fun with some friends at home, Saturday at Bonnies Christmas party. 

Marc's 

-watching our two kids together in the tub 

-knowing that I had nothing to do today but spend time with my family, I really enjoyed the day. 

-the whole weekend was great

-I love going to get June on Sunday mornings and putting on Neil diamond. 

-laying with Frank on my belly, having him looking at me. 

Sunbrella 

Not all days are bad. In fact many are good. Today was good. 

Pictures from the weekend

Marc and I had a great day Friday night. A good Saturday. A somewhat shitty Sunday. (It doesn't help when he wakes you up a few times in the middle of the night because of his drinking. I've told him a million times to not talk to me when he's drunk and I am asleep, but he can't seem to stop. Last night he also turned on the light.) I sleep less than him, I do more than him around the house, and I get almost no time for myself. Sundays he can't stay at home. For probably his entire adult life he has gotten drunk on Sunday afternoons. For a time I did it with him. Then we worked out our patterns. Today like every Sunday he gets ancy, agitated when it comes about 1:30-2 pm. Today it was because June woke up around 2, which she does and has been doing for awhile but he's never here and so doesn't know that. When he is here he plays video games- that's his way to unwind. Somehow he gets angry at me over petty stuff the he eventually asks what my plans are. Today, like nearly every Sunday, I tell him to go. I tell him to go because it's so much more peaceful without him here, without his anger here. But it wears on me. I have the kids, I do laundry, I set up the new bed rails for June, j feed them both (twice), diaper them, keep them happy and loved. He comes home tipsy, and it's at the mayhem hour, and I don't have time to entertain a tipsy person. I don't have time for him. He starts his miserable rant and I am like, "I'm not miserable, I am tired." Because even earlier in the day I made the coffee, the smoothie, I took June to Thinkery, old navy to return stuff, I nirsded frank, I don't fucking stop. I don't get a chance to breath. The best chance I get is when he's out of the house and maybe one of them is asleep. So them we bicker back and forth like always and he says to me, "you don't do anything." In response to me saying that a little gratitude for all I do would be nice. What he meant was that on Sundays before the kids came into our lives "I didnt do anything". Like that time to myself didn't count because I didn't go get drunk wth him. I try not to fight but this is eye opening. His time is important but my time and my life aren't. It's bullshit. I put the kids to bed at least once a week by myself- which at this age is time consuming and tiring- so he can go out. He plays tennis which is about a three hour ordeal, nearly every weekend. And then he's gone Sunday afternoons. He gets a night out, an afternoon off, and a morning off all to himself nearly every weekend. He says you don't do anything. When the hell can i? I guess Saturday afternoons it is. That's what I am going to have to ask for because otherwise we won't have a single time when we are all together as a family. That leaves us with whatever morning we can scramble to have when he's not playing tennis. Oh and the other piece of BS about all this... he can just spur of the moment say, "I'm going out". I have to ask for this shit days ahead and deal with wrath of resentment because he's going to have the kids all to himself, and according to him, "you can't do anything with both of them." Yet some how he's cool wth me running errands with both of them? His answer to that... "because you're their mother." All this to say, feminism can only go so far. I can't change society in my own home. Men need role models to see how it can be done and apparently they can't look to women on how it was done. He does a lot more than the generation before, he truly does, but there are limits. I hope we can raise a future generation who does more than their parents did. Because at least they see their dad changing diapers and folding clothes. But apparently there are still some things men can't do- like take a two year old and a three month old out in public by themselves. 

A really great weekend

Our little family life is starting to balance after its recalibration period with the addition of Frank. A good time seemed to be had by all this weekend. 

-super sweet moments between June and Frank 

-June playing with her cousins miles and Emma

-Emily sending us dream dinners 

-family selfie in bed

-actual morning snuggles with my husband

Marc's good moment from this weekend-

Aside from sex today, June farting and leaving the room in front of Cori and John. 

A little bit better but Marc is still a miserable person to be around. 

-snuggles with my Frankie baby in the am

-starting to feel confident in my job again

-June cleaning up the books and sharing with mom. 

Doing soooo much better

Doing well all around. Loving and laughing and living alright. Some photos from thanksgiving below. 

I took the day off

Junebug got time with mom today. And she was so happy. I didn't realize how badly she needed some mommy one on one time. And I loved it too. Frank is A-ok and I can't feel any luckier. We are all going to make it. 

Marc is in a depression but he doesn't fully realize it. He's not handling change very easily. Even though things need to change because that's the way life is with an infant and a toddler who are constantly changing and growing, the very mention of anything throws him into a rant or a rage. The littlest things set him off too, like spilling some formula. 

He's drinking too much too, nearly every night but he doesn't realize it- and when I say nearly every night I mean to a DRUNK state. 

Min should be more worried but I know him. He doesn't handle change well and he drinks when he's depressed. 

Our life is one big constant ball of change and he is depressed. There's less time for his stuff (I have virtually zero time) meaning his games, his tennis. His freedom. More to clean, more to do, more to spend. It's all a mess right now. 

But I love him. And I know we will be ok. I know we will get through this. 

Every day is a catastrophe

Every.damn.day

Catastrophe. 

How to make a life

Of this. 

My heart sinks deeper

Every.damn.day

Now I'm supposed to come up with three good things from today. 

-Frank seems to have survived 

-I am having thoughts of killing myself, again. 

-I won't kill myself because that would be a shit thing to do to my kids. As much as I fear I am being a shit parent, I know doing that would be worse- for them. 

Life is a tornado. Every day. I hate a lot right now. But I love my kids. Just wish I could see them more. Work is a battle. Life is a battle. I don't see my kids enough but they bring me true joy. 

-Frank snuggles and giggles

-feeling for a fleeting moment like I got this

-Marc and I connecting for the first them in a long time. 

The week of too much

And it's still going. Full week back at work. Transition is hard on all of us. Going to my first UT football game Saturday so really it's a six day work week. Then there's Trump. I don't want to write all the feelings here but it is just as awful as it could be and feel. And my parents voted for him. All six of us are reeling and trying to process. 

My three...

June 

Marc 

Frank 

And my boss, Edna.

Remember this

So little and snuggly even though your eyeballs feel like they are tied to anvils. 

Marc's feeling good. I am feeling tired but happy he's happy.

Marc says "November 3rd has been a great day"

-successful panel discussion 

-potential investor

-turning the lights back on the Mosie store and doing about $1,000 in revenue in one hour

-popping open an umbrella and watching June's face light up

Work is working ok

Two days back, not full days tho. Marc still has my help in afternoon/evening but less in morning as I try to get myself out the door. I miss snuggles with my little guy. I miss holding him. But we will all make it through this somehow. 

-feeling like I can do this

-I got out of work early and home to snuggle my guy

-June asking grandma via FaceTime: are you pooping? 

A good day

A beautiful day with family. We went to Zilker park, rode the zilker zephyr, June was unimpressed with the train but loved the slide and the double swing where she could face her dad. A bit of afternoon fun while both kids magically napped (#GCS, that's for you, Marc ;). We ended it with a steak dinner cooked to perfection. 

Last night we had a fantastic time watching the Indians vs the Cubs. I got kinda drunk and you know what, we both had a blast. 

I am ready for bed. It's 9:13 pm. 

Days are good and days are bad

All at once. Days are good and days are bad. But we still love and love and live. 

I love my children so much

Ridiculous amounts. 

Frank looking like a Junebug here...

Processing so much and trying not to cry.

Feelin good

I never got to nest before the arrival of Frank between all of June's health issues.  I am starting to finally get some of my nesting items off my list. To work on my home and myself a little bit. And I go back to work all too soon. If I could, I would stay with them, and be a full time mom at home. I would miss certain elements from work for sure, and I am sure o would find something else to do. I love them entirely, wholly, and want to be with them, my Frank and my June.

-Frank's endless smiles and baby wearing adorableness, hands and arms dangling in full trust. 

-June trying to take two "bags" aka purses to school today and when asked to take one she cleverly puts them both in one hand.

-June offering a bite of her food to Frank but not mom or dad. 

Today I love

Not the best of times between Marc and me

But I never want to forget this time. My baby is my baby. 

Junebug turns two

She can speak in sentences. 

She knows exactly what cake and cupcakes are. 

She is a very loving gal and sister. 

She is the light of our lives. 

Love this girl more than I can ever express. 

This is really hard

The no sleep, breastfeeding, your body is no longer yours period of motherhood. I love my baby, my babies, I truly do. They are my world. But I need to be me too. At least for an hour a week. And I don't know how to make that happen when I am so tired, when my baby doesn't sleep longer than 4 hours at night and doesn't take but 20 min naps during the day (arffgggf!!!) and I am so run down that I am the only one with a cold in the house. Everyone else had enough of a functioning immune system to not get sick but me. 

And then he smiles at me and I feel a bit of energy... 

My babies are growing and we had a date, thanks Ron and Helen

A good weekend

Funnwir friends 

Beautiful rain storms and playing in the rain with June 

Snuggles with my baby boy 

Can't sleep, Frank sleeping, daytime

Thoughts of my children make me happy. 

I am so tired but can't relax. 

So much to do but I try to sleep anyways. 

Feeling like I can do this

Got June to daycare and home from daycare, with Frank in tow, all on my own. 

Got out for walk with Frank. 

Pumped a bit for first time. 

Some good, some bad

Yesterday was a mess. Today I found my head. Let me never forget how lucky I am to have these beautiful children and my dear husband. 

-three smiles from Frank

-breaking through the crazy

-a bit of one on one time with June 

Family day

Mo- 

Family walk

First family car ride

Feeling like myself again, like a real person. 

Marc- 

Barbie's speech.

Frank on his chest while watching Junebug dance. 

Hanging out with Jerry at Nomad 

We got this

We had a somewhat normal day. 

I love my kids.

Life is good. 

My little boy is here

We are all doing great. The big C went well and Francis was bigger than we all expected, seven pounds twelve ounces. June was five pounds 14 ounces. And yet I weighed about three pounds less with Frank than I did with June! 

He is precious and melts my heart. 

June is doing quite well. Seems to have recovered from the trauma of hospital and doctors and poking and prodding and the PICC line. We are too. It was upsetting for all of us. 

Grandma has been a godsend to us. She and June are now best buds too.

 

Junebug thoughts and update

She bites on the leg and then when I say "no bite!" She responds, "huggy. I wan huggy." She needs extra loving and hugs these days since the hospital. I love on her as much as I can, but worry as those days are literally numbered. Frank is coming Wednesday at 3 pm when I go in for C section. 

She went to daycare today after being out two weeks. It seems to be good for her and she was happy to go. It was a relief when we picked her up (I went early because I missed her and couldn't wait) to hear she had a good day. Her medicine went down easy and she had fun. 

We had great fun with Ron and Helen and my mom at dinner. 

And now we wait for Frank's arrival. I can't wait to hold him and love on him. 

A good day

So thankful my mom is here. Overall June was great. She got to play with her cousins two days in a row. 

Frank will be here soon. 

A very, very tough day

I feel like we can't get a break. If it's not our health, our finances, our car, it's our business, our job, or our family. It's just one roller coaster ride after another. We come up for air for a brief day or two and then get pulled back down. 

And we are about to add a baby to the mix. 

Stretching to find three good things today. I am forcing myself because k don't want to remember today, though I know I always will. 

- my little walk with June

- my cell phone 

- I didn't go into labor 

Frank will be here in the very real and near future. I am excited. I am nervous. I am excited. 

I want to hold him and kiss him and tell him I am his mama and I love him. 

But. 

June needs medicine that only Marc and I are trained to give her through IV. 

I think Frank knows something more than we will ever know. He is helping his sister out and himself out by staying put. He also gets to grow bigger and stronger each passing day so it's a win/win all around. 

I am completely uncertain about our future but one thing is certain- Frank is already a part of this family. 

-June choosing to go with mama over dada ;)

-Klondike bars

-Frank remaining sweet and cozy in my belly

From today 

Last hour here

Checked in 6:30 am Saturday. Checking out 4 pm or so Wednesday. Ready to go home. Bone infection, or so they have determined that to be the most likely case and are proceeding as if it is. June has been through so much, and we are all traumatized and yet stronger and closer than ever. Just can't wait to get her home and have her sleeping in her room, in her crib, in her clothes, in her house, on the path to recovery. 

Marc and I will administer IV antibiotics 4x a day for ten days. June has a PICC line and we have been trained on how to do it. 

Life will take you places you never anticipated. 

My three good things- June, Marc, and family. Ron and especially Helen have been wonderful, my sisters were so supportive, all of my family really helped out.