Today

Called Suzanne. Not great conversation but at least I have some clarity. She has some deep resentment built up toward me. I will be surprised if we ever have any sort of relationship again. She told me I was a manipulator and controlling. I have never been called that before in my life. I know I am many things good and bad but I honestly have never been called that before and don't feel that it is true. I am deeply, deeply saddened by all of this... Our current state, our "relationship" if it can be called that. But I want to remember other things from today, New Year's Eve 2015. 

Peeling that forgotten hidden piece of protective plastic off the tv. 

Hanging out with my husband and going to bed at 10 pm and having great snuggles and words of love. 

Our 2 min bang session midday

Hanging out with Laura in our workout outfits shopping. 

Laughing with Mamie. 

My lesson learned today - finding Unbroken

It was so close this entire time. I literally could have been touching it at one point. I gave up too easily. It was right there the whole day and I succumbed to the comforts that self- failure brings, a comfort in the certainty that you know you're own fate. Having faith is scary. Continuing on with hope is scary. Giving into failure is easy. It is natural. It is what comforts me. I know this now. Let this be my lesson. I must push on. I am so close, so close I could be touching it without knowing. I can't give up, not now nor ever. 

Christmas approaches

Dinner with parents and in laws- fun night

Afternoon nap and snuggles with my June 

Skype call with Dina Audrey and Eleanor 

Hugs and giggle from my June

The thought of loving and snuggling another little bug, a new baby growing in my womb. 

Gratitude

Is often hard to come by when we need it most. 

I love our little house, our little lives, our day to day. But it seems that when I pray, I pray for so much more, so that one day this goes away and grows to be ... more. And in a sense my prayers are answered. Our little lives are growing bigger as one more grows inside me. A new addition to our little house, and our little lives, I hope provides so much more. I am grateful for this life, that I live and that lives in me, this little house that's so right and cozy and home for me, and for all that goes in between welcome and unforeseen. Tonight on a night when I want so much more I want to forget that and just be in gratitude. It is so hard and scary to do. To say that this is enough, but it is. And when I do, I am so scared that I will lose it. All because I gave gratitude for it. It's silly, I know, but gratitude I am learning is really hard to do. 

Mosie is live

As of yesterday midday Mosie web site is live

All this happened today

All this happened today but not in this order: 

June finally pooped, after days, four times, with the help of a suppository (applied by moi)

Dinner at Trulucks with Ron Helen Bonnie and John- June had a babysitter 

I am pregnant. 

Mosie works. 

And we had some fun afternoon delight today ;)

Ask and you shall receive

A day when I opened up my heart to prayer, and god responded in a strong way- more than once. 

I love my life and my family and am so grateful for them. 

It feels great to be able to pay bills and to buy my Junebug stuff she needs. I am kicking butt at being the income earner. 

(I recognize the irony of that as I am about to embark on something that could prove dangerous). 

Oh and here is Junebug trying to join us at dinner...

Today, it didn't rain. But then again it wasn't supposed to. Today, was a leaf, not a tree. Just one more leaf. And I hope one day to have a tree. 

-glen Campbell documentary

I've cried and I've laughed and I much prefer laughter

-eating dinner as a family

-talking business shop with Marc 

Walking

Walking around the hood with the June and Marc 

Steak dinner 

The feeling of holding Junebug on my lap, my snuggle bunny. 

Last night Halloween

Fun with friends 

Junebug as Ed Grimley 

Handing out candy 

Rainy day cuddles

Rainy day windows open tree house feeling the best 

Sad for missing my sister suz

1st bday party with Mena, June playing well with others

Poops on the potty

Hanging out with my love 

Tonight

Clouds passing over an October half moon. 

Resolving things with my husband after a tired fight (from no sleep). 

Junebug kisses.

Hanging out with friends. 

June peed on the floor

She woke up at 5:30 am 

We got to spend lots of time together and it was actually really great

Work was just fine, it was sunny and i got the car washed. 

I have a good life

Bathed June and let her stand around naked for a minute, which we do frequently. Only this minute she suddenly stopped playing and started peeing all over the floor. It was memorable. And now it's hilarious to think about.

Pictures from today ...

Last will and testament

thinking things through, all the way to the end. 

And we do it for this gal

Family day

Got to be productive and spend time with my loved ones. Good day. Got the books in order for Mosie. Walked about in the morning with Marc and June, feeling happy about the new job. Drank a bottle of wine and had bbq. Thanks to all those who fought for this day, I got to spend it with my family. 

Sunday

Sometimes you are tired. Sometimes you

are laughing. Sometimes it's all happening at once. That was today with Junebug. Drool, diarrhea, no naps, lots of laughter. 

Sunday night

A Sunday of new friends and oldest friends. 

Slow cooked round steak, mashed potatoes and a happy husband. 

A baby that is just about as good as they get. 

A world of uncertainty but I hold these things dear to my heart. 

The day the poop came - 8/20/2015

After four days of constipation, June gave birth to a full sized adult poop. It was traumatic for all involved but in the end a great day was had. A sense of relief and joy increased as the day went on. 

Then... Marc and I went out thanks to Minnie and Juan. We had the pleasure of meeting Dee, the one woman keyboard singer phenomenon. 

A bug day at the beach

June's first real beach day, got water logged with her dad, ate sand, was cuter than ever and whined. 

I watched World Series of Poker while my husband sexually harassed me 

When it goes your way it's fate. When it doesn't it's your fault. 

Healthy baby

A good job

House we love

Husband 

My family 

Friends 

The ability to read 

Our health 

A good life

To be a woman

To be a woman in those times was to be a woman of property 

To be a woman of those times was to be a woman without pursuits of happiness 

To be a woman in those times was to know man only as objects of resentment 

To be a woman in those times was to be alive in the blood of all women

To be a woman in these times is to be alive in the blood of all women. 

I do it

I do it for June

I do it for Marc 

I do it to survive 

I do it to keep our house our life our financial security 

Jullllllly keeps on ticking

We recorded a video for our Mosie product today... UG. 

This was the best part of my day 

Today in pictures

I fear I am letting myself get out of control at work

Steam rising off the molten pavement minutes after an unexpected heavy but brief downpour.

Ditching work to go do work that I want to be doing. 

Letting Junebug getting dirty in the grass. 

The lights in the middle of a NY night

The sound of the bass at 1 am 

The feeling of freedom from the world and pain

These never go away

Even at thirty three

San Diego

**originally tried to publish June 17 but didn't realize it never uploaded. 

This is all I want to remember from this trip when I look back. 

Happy Father's Day!

I think we have the ability to intonate our lives. I haven't figured out how to do so with mine. 

I discovered the song Lujon by Henry Mancini, my new obsession. 

I had time to contemplate and remind myself of who I am. 

I am blessed with a darling husband and a child filled with joy. 

---

I am sick of pretending to be someone I am not for money. I try to be more of it and become less of me. Then I feel less alive and more dead. Lord god help me to find a way to not just support my family but also to thrive. 

June, the bug, Brown

The whole world is inside her. In her eyes, the Universe stares back at me. Like a satellite image of the depths of space, I peer at the infinite in awe and fear. The beauty of parenthood is its fragility, is its madness, is its beauty, is its fragility, is its madness. I wonder ever day at you. Like a stargazer before the grandest night sky. I fear you, losing you, more than I fear you losing me. I have to have you in my life in a way I've never known I had to have something in my life. You. You. You. 

In her eyes, the Universe. 

Travel work etc

Hotel room to myself 

Loving my husband for taking care of our baby so well

The weather here is beautiful 

I am learning about the world every trip I take and with every conversation I have (or listen in on)   

Oh and my eye swelled up last night and I broke out in hives. It was after all the stores had closed and I went to a liquor store and found Benadryl. That was fun. 

Working this out

Life is a sequence of events and decisions. Everyone has a series of defining choices that we have some modicum of control over. We just dont always have control over the event it is placed in, but in some sense the choices we make early on in these events (that at the time we have very little control over) all start to add up so that the situations we find ourselves in later on in life are linked to the choices we made earlier. 

And these are things I did and didn't post

Today I thought some thoughts

Sometimes I don't know how to process memories. They come up and blossom into full experiences. I remember Marc and I sitting in this quiet bar/restaurant place, random as random could be I our life experiences, sitting there in Normandy, someplace off the side of the road and who knows why we stopped yet we did. And we order mussles and the waiter asks in some way that we understand if we'd like them in wine or cream, we somehow ask in a way he understands if he likes them better in wine or cream and he emphatically says creme. So cream it is and it is... Delicious. One of the best meals ever. We ate those mussels like they were going out of style. And from there on out we ordered them that way. We did it and it happened and it was great and it was just what it was. That was nearly three years ago. And I still love him like a new boy in my life. 

Work edition

I can set my own hours 

I care for my family financially

At the end of the day I have done no harm and possibly even a little good

Observations

Women are porous beings. 

Seeing a plant and figuring out its name (Mexican petunia not pictured, still searching for that one)

Accomplishing something 

Wild plants growing where they aren't supposed to be (picture above) 

Making positive steps at work

A nice walk across campus

Productive day and wrote a good letter

March 3 2015

Challenging day. Away from my little Junebug for the first overnight and multiple nights at that. One night down, two more, almost three to go. Trying really hard to find positives. 

1. It is sunny here in Silicon Valley and rainy and cold back home. 

2. You had big meetings today with big possibilities. 

3. Even though it's not the best situation, your husband and baby are doing ok and working fine without you, much to your sadness. 

Random dream

Dream from last night in two parts. 

First part I was married to man who cheated and got girl pregnant and she had to come live with us. Questionable why she was living with us and whether baby was hiS. Within a week of said see she told him she was pregnant. Led me to suspect hat this was not the first time. Fights happened. 

Woke up and then back to sleep after feeding June. This time in was the daughter in the marriage. A teen. Found out about the situation with dad. Had two brothers who didn't show that they cared about this random young pregnant nurse moving in. Stole parents car and went for late night drive through the hood, patents went in another car and I hid from them and waited till they turned right and I turned left. Underground tunnels was the world with street signs and everything. Eventually just went back home. 

Ideas for screenplay. Three parts of one story. Daughters perspective dads perspective and moms perspective 

Work edition

Access to a network of people I would have never had.

Security to take care of my family. 

At the end of the day I have done no harm. 

Work edition

I can be excellent at my job if I use my ingenuity and remember my confidence 

There are lots of perks to the travel 

The health insurance 

June got some shots

June is so loved. I am lucky her Sitto loves her so and helps take care of her. 

My husband did the grocery shopping yesterday 

We have love, even on hard days 

3GT: Work Edition

Yesterday January 26

I got out of the office for a visit and was able to stop at the bank

The walk to my building in the morning was crisp and pretty and reminded me of being in Spain 

I have the flexibility to come and go as needed

Nothing more beautiful and wonderful than watching your baby jiggle and wiggle and squiggle around. 

Friends. 

Hearing your baby squeek squak and squabble. 

Hard day. Started out hopeful then forgetful then doubtful. 

Marc pitched today for first round at central Texas network. Didn't go so well. Still determined but the wind is not in our sails. I feel mixed because I have that feeling, which is hard to deal with when its your husband, that I could've done it better. It's a horrible feeling to have towards your partner who worked amazingly hard and is amazingly talented. Maybe there really was no other way. Maybe this is just the way for today. 

Three good things- 

I feel great in my outfit, I look good

I'm still proud of my husband 

It's a beautiful sunny day

The feeling that you are on to something big...really big

Seeing your husband grow leaps and bounds as a business person over night

Going back to work and realizing you can make it work, for the most part 

Qwesadallis January 2

Quesadilla night with Bonnie grace Marc 

Rupaul's drag race

Rainy day pho after signing on to a second mortgage to fund the Mosie

Margerita walking

Working through good times and bad with my husband but always making sure we end at good. 

Seeing how amazing my husband is as a father- makes me love him more than ever. 

Going for a walk on a beautiful Austin day with my family and stoping for a beer and a pizza.